May you now sing with the Angels and watch over those you love. Goodbye to a truly amazing woman.

You hear horror stories from people about their mother-in-law.  Bad mother-in-laws are the but of many jokes.  Ok so I have never been married thus never really had a mother-in-law.  I do have two kids, yes with the same person…I know for some reason that seems to be out of the norm these days since people always looked surprised when they ask me if my kids have the same father and I say yes.  My kids grandma (their dad’s mother) has always been amazing and kind to me.  She welcomed me and made me always feel like a part of their family even when her son and I were no longer together.  She was this way from what I have seen with everyone.  If you had to have a mother-in-law this woman would have been the ideal candidate, you could never have told a horrific mother-in-law tale about her.

Six years ago I moved from Oregon to Nevada with my children.  Although during this time we didn’t have the money to come back to Oregon and visit I always made sure the boys kept in contact with their grandma.  I too would call and chat with her from time to time.  She honestly was one of the best women I have ever known and  even though I was not related to her I loved that woman.  I really wish I had told her that.

A few days before we moved back from Nevada to Oregon I had called Nannie (their grandma) to remind her that we were moving back in a few days and to tell her that I would bring the boys over the next week to see her.  She sounded happy and said she would be so glad to see them.  On Tuesday July 3rd less than a week after I had talked to her I called her house to see when would be good to stop by her house.  Nannie was not there.

Sitting in a dingy chinese restaurant waiting for take out I was given the news that the day before Nannie had quit breathing and was now in the ICU.  I hate crying in public but I cried there in that restaurant.  I felt awful.  I felt like I had just not gotten there fast enough.  I knew that she had had some health issues over the past few years but every time I talked to her she always told me she was fine so I never realized to what extent her health was effecting her.  If only I had know I would have made sure that the kids had gotten up here to Oregon sooner to spend in person time with her.

Unfortunately we can not tell the future.  We can never predict how long someone will be there.  I called the hospital and made sure it was ok for me to bring the boys to see her and find out what her appearance would be so I could prepare my children.  I am grateful that the boys were old enough to get into the ICU unit.  When we got there she was hooked up to life support machines.  The boys and I held her hand and told her we loved her.  I apologized that I had not come back to Oregon sooner but told her I was keeping my promise and I was there with the kids for her to see.  The boys told her they hoped she got better soon.

After we left her room I talked to the nurse on duty.  I know facts are facts but it is so disheartening to hear someone explain in a clinical manner that there is no hope.  That a person you care about is brain dead and there is a zero percent chance of them surviving.  It didn’t matter to me what that nurse said I still believed that she could hear us and that she knew I had brought the boys to see her.  I had to believe that no matter what the nurse said there was still the chance of a miracle happening.

Nannie had a huge family.  Many people needed her.  She positively affected so many peoples lives, even those not related to her.  She was not judgmental and would always be there if you needed to get ahold of her.  I am not religious but I do believe in a higher power and I asked that higher power for a miracle…I asked for Nannie to not be taken away from her family.  Unfortunately I guess there was a higher plan in play.  Mrs. Nannie Penn passed on July 8, 2012.

My sons Prentice and Jaydon dressed for their grandma’s home going service.

I took the boys over to their grandpa’s house to ride with the family in limos to her service.  I was offered a seat as well but declined.  Even though I am actually related to them they still seemed to treat me like family as Nannie always had.  It was a beautiful service yet very sad.

People say that we are just on loan to this earth until God takes us home.  They said Nannie was such a wonderful person God took her now.  I still struggle with this.  My heart breaks for her family.  For those that loved her.  I was especially effected by my boys oldest sister.  Her heartbreak and emotion made me cry more.

So many people loved this woman.  She will be so missed.  It is hard to imagine the world without her.  I still feel guilt over arriving too late.  Yes I tell myself that I kept my promise to bring the boys to see her but deep inside I feel like I am lying to myself.  Even though I believe she knows I came it just isn’t the same.

RIP Nannie Penn

Again I wish I had told her that even though she was not my mother I loved her as if she was, that I appreciated how she treated me like family, her acts of kindness.  May she now watch over all her children, grandchildren, and loved ones.  My heart aches for all who have lost her.  Those who never knew this amazing and feisty woman have truly missed out.  Let this be my lesson to never take anyone for granted.  You never know when your opportunity to let someone know what they meant to you and spend time with them will vanish.

Love you Nannie.  I feel honored my children are part of your family.

A Sad Goodbye

His name is Fezzik and I miss him.  I feel so horrible right now.  We have had Fezzik since he was about 10 weeks old.  I remember when he was a baby his ears were so big he looked like a little bunny…but he grew into his big ears.  He is 6 years old now and we are moving 1100 miles away and can not take him with us.

Yes I am talking about our cat.  He may have been a cat but he was part of our family.  He was so sweet and loving.  My grandma said he was her best friend.  Anytime she would go up or down the stairs he would always walk two or three steps in front of her like he was helping her and would be there to catch her if she fell.  She has this walker with a seat on it and every day when she would come down stairs he would jump onto the walker once she got down here and wait for her to give him a ride around the house.

Fezzik loved to be petted.  I guess most cats do.  He would walk up to you and when you would reach to pet him he would flop down on his back and stretch out hoping you would rub his tummy.  Oh and he would love to watch lights on the wall.  If the sun made something shinny reflect or if you got out a flash light he would go nuts staring at it making what I called a dolphin noise.  His tail would swish back and forth and he would watch making that funny little noise…then he would jump up high and pounce at it trying to catch the light.  This could go on for hours if the light stayed up on the wall.

He loved us and we loved him.  He trusted us.  He didn’t think he was a cat he was one of us.  We can’t take him with us though.  So the other day (two days ago now) my grandma and I took him down the street to the Henderson Animal Shelter so he could be put up for adoption.  It was very hard.  Fezzik does not like riding in cars and he cried the two mile drive there in the carrier.

This is the last time I saw him and this image makes me so sad.  He is so beautiful and he has never been stuck in a cage.

When we dropped him off I wrote a letter from him and gave it to the lady we filled out the paperwork with:

My name is Fezzik, I was born in May of 2006.  I am 6 years old.  I am neutered and declawed.  I am only an inside cat but if you leave a door open and I think you are not looking I will try and slowly sneak outside.                                    I do not like dogs, even friendly ones, but I am ok with other cats. I would be best with a family without small children, older children are ok, and I love old people.  Sometimes I am standoffish when I meet new people but quickly warm up if they know my name and are nice to me and pet me.  When I move to a new environment I usually will find a hiding place and stay there for a day before I get out and explore….

This shelter says as long as the animal is adoptable (which Fezzik is) they do not put them to sleep and keep them up for adoption as long as it takes, there is no limit.  Any animal that comes into the shelter for adoption is spayed or neutered if that hasn’t already been done.  They are given their rabies and first round of shots, and they are microchipped.  The adoption fee to cover the costs and make sure people who adopt them really want them is $55 for cats.  Since Fezzik only needed his shots and microchipped they said they would put him up for adoption the next morning…no waiting period.

I tried to tell him goodbye through the bars of the carrier but he turned his back to me as if he were angry and he would show me.  After they took him back I asked the lady at the front desk if someone pets the animals while they are waiting for adoption and she said no because it makes it too likely to spread stuff from one animal to another if they had something the shelter wasn’t aware of.  The only human contact they get is when the cage cleaner takes them out while cleaning the cage and if someone looking at the animals asks to see a specific one.  While I understand their reasoning behind this it made me feel awful…and this is what is haunting me.

I woke up in the middle of the night thinking…omg what have I done?  Fezzik is sitting in a cage and his heart is probably broken wondering why he is there.  It is taking everything I have not to drive over there and tell them I made a mistake and pay the adoption fee to take him back home.  I truly feel like a bad person.

I hope that someone sees his sweetness and the fact that he is declawed will appeal to people and he will be adopted quickly…I can’t stand the idea of him being in a cage for any length of time with no one to pet him.  It doesn’t help that one of my friends got pretty upset with me and told me you don’t just “throw away” a family member.

I am not a heartless person.  I actually feel bad for stray animals and feed any stray cats I see.  I often feel an urge to rescue animals and are sad when they have no one to love them.  I thought I was doing the right thing.  I mean too many people just release their cats or dogs to fend for themselves when they are moving and cannot take them.  Taking Fezzik to a shelter where he would be cared for and not killed until a family adopts him seemed like the responsible thing to do…

Responsible or not I feel like crap for doing it.  If anyone is in Henderson, NV or knows of someone in Henderson, NV who wants a wonderful cat please go to the Henderson Animal Shelter on Galleria Dr and see if Fezzik is still there and adopt him.  I wish this wasn’t so hard and didn’t feel so bad.